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[ripher]

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USERNAME: GILES

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[ripher]

[ I'd rather be with you stalls Giles for a while. He has to type and delete several attempts at a response. Why do they keep ending up having these conversations over text, it's a mystery. ]

Buffy, I know darkness. Far more than you know. I'm not afraid of it. But I don't think I can be what you need me to be. As much as I wish it could be otherwise.

And I do wish it. Much more often, these days.

[bronze]

( it's takes awhile for buffy to respond — sensitive to rejection, maybe, but also always prepared for it. it's giles, besides. he wouldn't go out of his way to hurt her unnecessarily. )

why?

[ripher]

I've been thinking about why I left you. It felt right at the time, but I've found that I regret it in ways I didn't want to accept, even privately to myself. It wasn't just that I wasn't there for you. I think it's also because I've been denying a part of myself that I didn't want to examine.

I wanted to believe that I could allow you to become independent of your work as the Slayer, to have a life as Buffy as well. The life you were always supposed to have. I also believed I could separate myself from being your Watcher. But now I know that there's a part of me that will always be that for you, that still wants to be your Watcher. And, apparently, there's a considerable part of me that wants to be your father. And now there's also what we did together. I find that I very much want that to continue as well.

[ A brief pause to collect himself, then he carries on. ]

I know that you love me. And I love you too, very much. But I can't betray your trust in me, Buffy. I can't take advantage of your feelings for me, which may be as confusing as well. I couldn't live with myself if I thought that I'd allowed you to be hurt for my own selfish desires. I care about you too much to allow that to happen.

[bronze]

( it's important to read every word, buffy thinks — because there's little else more precious in her life than her relationship with giles, because this is insight usually tabled and shelved away, because she asked giles to always be honest with her, and she can't conveniently lose her phone when he happens to give her what she asked for.

in the end, what she figured was the issue — that giles did not want to be with a corpse, that there was some disgusting quality to buffy as perceived through the necessary evil of spike — is actually a non issue. the rest? a math problem that doesn't make sense. buffy imagines, if love is there, the rest falls into place. she can't love giles this much and have it be doomed — she's experienced that once already, and the circumstances were different. giles isn't made evil for loving her. giles isn't ruined because he's touched her. he's as permanent as a tattoo — like a bone inside her, something vital, something supportive. if he thinks he’s the only one lost in this, he’s dead wrong. )

of course i love you. i don't really have a scope of how it feels, but i'd guess a lot of slayers have loved their watchers the way that i love you. and i really don't have a scope on this, but i also have to guess i love you like how most daughters love their dads. the other way, too. i know it's weird. it's not normal.
you're the most important person in the world to me. when you were gone, i felt like
lost
like
more alone than i’ve ever felt
and when you're around, everything is so much better. because. i think you're the only relationship i have that doesn't come with any hooks or conditions
i really think you’d love me even if i was just buffy. and i don’t feel that way about anyone except
dawn
who wouldn’t even exist if i wasn’t the slayer

2/2 oopsie

[bronze]

really giles
and i can’t stress this enough
my life is eighty hundred thousand million billion times better with you in it
from the beginning, you’ve only ever made things better for me

the way i feel isn’t confusing. it’s the easiest thing in the world to me. like breathing

[ripher]

[ There's a guilty relief to it all, in hearing that he's not alone in his feelings, that he hasn't imagined what's surfaced, unexpected but perhaps not entirely a surprise, between them. She's right, of course, it's not uncommon among Slayers and Watchers -- he's told her a few stories, but he'd held just as many back. As a young man, he'd read the Watcher diaries of men and women who felt just as he does now, though he'd always promised himself he wouldn't conduct himself in such a disorganised way. But, as he's come to learn, matters of the heart aren't always so easy to predict.

He sits with her messages for a few moments, re-reading them, hearing her voice in his mind. The easiest thing in the world to me. He could probably go out and find her quite easily if he wanted to -- but he doesn't, not yet. ]

I want everything to be that easy for you, Buffy. That's all I want. To see you happy, no matter what that means.

When we lost you, I felt as though I'd lost everything. Far more than just my Slayer. You've been a confounding, frustrating, beautiful, wonderful presence in my life. I don't want anything more than for that to continue.

[bronze]

well you definitely don’t have to worry about that
you’re stuck with me literally forever

( a short, potentially tension riddled pause in conversation. if that — if this is all true, then eventually she’s going to have to get better at talking things out with giles, regardless of butterflies or flaming cheeks. )

soooooo
does that mean you won’t be afraid to touch me now?
not that i mind going slow. actually i prefer it
but
you know
you’re not the only one who has all those memories. of stuff

[ripher]

[ There's definitely some mild flustering going on here, though Giles is starting to get used to this kind of thing. More or less. ]

Yes, I think I'll be able to do that. Since you prefer going slow.

[bronze]

good good
i mean
not TOO slow. obviously. a good pace.